Coffee is perhaps the easiest to decipher: 1 means ‘caffeinated in name only’, whereas 8 translates to ‘could double as a defibrillator, should the need arise’. In fact, I like any food honest enough to essentially rank itself by taste. I’ve always quite admired Cheddar for that seemingly arbitrary, slightly Spinal Tap numbering system. Do people spray whisky thinly into a guest’s glass? Perhaps they do – if they’ve got a packet of Lighter cheese in the fridge. What is the point of that, unless you’re applying it to the ear? Olive oil is for pouring. They were crispy in parts and soft in others because of fat – beef dripping as it happened, though some swear by goose fat.įor failed roast potatoes, you can buy an olive oil spray dispenser. And, let me tell you, those potatoes weren’t Lighter. I felt as proud as if the Royal Academy had accepted a picture I’d painted – prouder, since discriminating painters prefer the Salon des Refusés. They were the best he’d ever had, he said. The late Bruce Bernard, an art critic though he hated being called it, once complimented my roast potatoes. When that creepster Joris-Karl Huysmans was devising a decadent dinner for his novel A rebours, he never went as far in perversion as fat-free yogurt. Jettison the recipe for Coronation quiche. If you don’t want fat, don’t eat yogurt, or cheese, or butter, dripping or lard. It’s not the fat to be avoided in yogurt, but sugar, often added in super-saturating quantities, sometimes as a kind of jam like the oozy bottom of a duck pond. That would be bad in a Greek-style wedding, let alone yogurt. You see tubs of Greek-style yogurt boasting 0 per cent fat. There’s a lot of this sort of thing about. It meant, I found later, that it contained 30 per cent less fat than quotidian cheese. It wasn’t even claiming that you’d get a greater volume of cheese to the pound weight.
It wasn’t suggesting it would be good for getting the fire going. What I’d missed was a small bit of the label that said ‘Lighter’. The trouble is that it didn’t taste cheesy. The one I’d bought was 5: ‘rich & tangy’. Like earthquakes (not now measured by the Richter Scale), cheese is categorised with unknown units. I said to myself: ‘I don’t think much of this.’ And I didn’t. I was eating some cheese I’d bought from Marks & Spencer, regarded as a reputable cheesemonger for workaday cheese needs.
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